7 Mistakes That Make Relationships Fail

What makes relationships fail?

In my personal experience, and my professional experience as a coach helping people improve their relationships, I have seen a series of very common mistakes that cause stress, conflict and frustration in relationships, sometimes to the point of destroying the relationship.

So this is what I want to share with you today – 7 mistakes that can be fatal in a relationship and, most importantly, how to avoid them or fix them.

Enjoy!

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EPISODE TRANSCRIPT:

(Please note this is not an exact transcript of the episode, it is more like a script, there are more detailed explanations and insights in the actual podcast!)

Hello  my beautiful souls and welcome to another episode of The Positive Mindset Tribe!

I’m your host, Verónica Moreno, a mindset coach, energy healer, counsellor and meditation teacher and in this episode I will be sharing with you 7 common mistakes that make relationships fail.

In the previous episode I covered how to have relationships full of love of joy, and what I shared applied not only to romantic relationships but relationships in general, with your family, friends, colleagues, any type or relationship. It included a 4 step process so you can attract conscious, healthy and fulfilling relationships full of love and joy. So if you haven’t listened to that episode it is the previous one, number 15.

As promised I said that I was going to make a special episode on mistakes that can kill a relationship.

In my personal experience, and my professional experience as a coach helping people improve their relationships I have seen a series of very common mistakes that cause stress, conflict and frustration in relationships, sometimes to the point of destroying the relationship.

So this is what I want to share with you 7 mistakes that can be fatal and most importantly, how to avoid them or fix them.

In today’s episode I will probably be giving more examples about romantic relationships but the ideas here apply to all types of relationships.

Let’s get started!

 

7 MISTAKES THAT MAKE RELATIONSHIPS FAIL

1. Not asking openly and sincerely for what you need.

If you had a bad day at work, come back home and sit down on the sofa with a grumpy face expecting your partner or whoever you live with to guess what you need, that’s not going to happen. They are not in your head, so they don’t know if you need a hug, if you need to talk or if you need to be left alone. And we do this all the time, we expect the other person to guess what we need, and maybe you are thinking ‘I just need a hug’, ‘I just need you to check in with me, to know that you care’ and you wait and wait and it doesn’t happen. And then we start making assumptions ‘he doesn’t care’, ‘he hasn’t even noticed that something is wrong’, ‘he is so selfish’, ‘maybe I should find another partner who understands me better’. But maybe what is actually going on for him in his head is that you looked like you wanted to be on your own and he is leaving you the space HE thinks you need. And maybe what you need is different to what he thinks you need and the problem is not that he doesn’t care, the problem is that you didn’t need express what you needed in the first place!

What to do instead? Speak up. If you need something form your partner, tell them.

There’s nothing wrong with asking for what you need. It doesn’t mean that they will give you what you want straight away, but it avoids playing games that only lead to misunderstandings and unnecessary arguments. Be honest and clear about what you need. Communicating openly with your partner is key to a healthy relationship.

 

 

2. Try to have a conversation when strong emotions have taken over.

This never ends well, trust me. If you’re feeling angry, frustrated, upset, annoyed, don’t try to have an important conversation and in general, avoid interaction as much as possible until you calm down. Learn to regulate your emotions, doing inner child work. Sometimes when we are triggered, the person who is in control is our 6 year old, not our adult self.

If you need to talk to your partner and feel very angry or triggered emotionally in general, take a few minutes to calm down, leave the room, express your emotions in a healthy way and come back when you are ready.

Because if you try to have a conversation when the 6year old has taken over, your words will be charged with fear, anxiety, anger, nothing good will come out of it.

 

What to do instead? Go to another room, and take a few deep breaths. Do some journaling and let it all out. All the ugly words, the swearing, whatever you need to let out. This is the way to do it healthily. If you feel very angry do some quick physical exercise or go for a walk around the block, get fresh air, and have the conversation when the adult is back in control.

I recorded an episode all about the inner child, which is very relevant here. Because sometimes all we need is to listen to our inner child, that part of ourselves that might be scared of being rejected, abandoned, judged or maybe she is angry because she has been hurt before. Romantic relationships trigger our inner child like nothing else, the can be a real challenge! But relationships are also a great way to learn, because what triggers us, helps us see what we need to heal. So welcome these triggers and see them as a tool for growth and healing, as annoying as they might be!

3. Blaming your partner for your unresolved issues/past experiences.

We all have fears, we all have been hurt before and our very smart brain will do anything possible to protect us from experiencing pain again. So if you previous partner cheated on you before, your brain will be alert, looking for any signs that your current partner is not doing the same. And what happens is that we can become jealous, unable to trust, being suspicious and on alert all the time.

So if you are jealous of every girl your partner says hi to, maybe because you had a bad experience before, or you are carrying some insecurities from before, it is not fair to blame the other person and say ‘you MAKE me feel this way’ ‘You make me jealous’, ‘if you changed, I would be ok’. Because firstly, you are giving the power to the other person, you are stating that your partner has the power to make you feel this way or the other. And secondly, you are not honouring yourself, because instead of healing your wounds you are blaming someone else. And you are missing the chance to look at yourself, heal and let go of what is no longer serving you so you can unlock your confidence, your inner power, so you can know yourself more deeply and love yourself unconditionally.

Now I’m not saying that you have to be blind, obviously be very mindful of how the person you’re dating treats you and if you see something you don’t like speak up, but don’t kill one relationship because the previous one was a disaster and fear is taking over and clouding you vision.

What to do instead?

Know yourself. Spend some time reflecting on your previous relationships, your role models, what beliefs about relationships do you carry that are not serving you? Maybe that love hurts, that you will never find true love, maybe you have normalised an abusive behaviour because you saw it growing up, we hold a lot of unconscious beliefs about relationships that sometimes run our behaviours without us even been aware of it. So do some journaling about past relationships, do a closure ceremony like writing a goodbye letter (not to send, for yourself), journal about your role models, and identify what needs healing. This is key if you want to have happy relationships, I see this in my 1:1 sessions all the time. The relationship you have with others is only a manifestation of the relationship you have with yourself, so when I work with people who want to improve their relationships or find a new partner, or make new friends and find a new tribe, the first thing we do is see what the person needs to heal. The weeds that need to go so we can plant beautiful flowers.

4. Expecting your partner to fix your problems. This is strongly related to the previous one, sometimes we can get caught in this pattern of expecting our partner to save us. And when we expect someone to save us or rescue, we are becoming a victim, which is very disempowering. So although of course you want relationships that help you and support you when you need it, if something wasn’t working in your life, your career, your health, your friends, don’t expect your partner to be the ‘cure’ or what will make you forget about your problems, because at the end of the day, if something in your life needed to change and you don’t change it because now you are distracted with a new partner you are hurting yourself because you are not growing, you are not learning, you are not empowering yourself.

What do to instead? Is your relationship a patch to be distracted from something else? Do you expect your family to do everything for you? Be honest with yourself and identify how you can be more whole on your own so you can relate to others from a position of empowerment and love, not expecting them to fill in a gap for you.

5. Not appreciating what your partner gives you, taking them for granted.

If you have ever worked with me or follow my content you know I’m always talking about gratitude, about how when we are grateful for something we receive more. Gratitude is a very high frequency emotion, which not only can change your mood almost instantly, it is a super powerful for manifestation. So do you want more friends, more attention from your partner, more family gatherings to enjoy, more loving, joyful moments in your relationships? Be grateful for all the ones you have now, even if they are small. Appreciate every single thing that other people do for you, be grateful for it, and receive it with love. This a very common mistake, sometimes when I’m working with a client and they want to improve their relationship and maybe they complain that their partner is not loving enough, attentive enough I will ask them when was the last time you told them that you appreciate when they say I love you? When they do the dishes? When the pick you up from work? When they kiss you god night? Because we take these little things for granted

What do instead?

Write a list of all the relationships you are grateful for and make a long list including all the little things. When someone does something nice for you, appreciate, thank them with intention. Do this for a while and enjoy the shift.

6. Starting a relationship for the wrong reason

In my previous episode I talked about why happy relationships full of joy and love need to be conscious. By conscious I mean that we need to be aware of why we start or maintain a relationship. Because these days, I see more and more people going on dates and starting relationships out of boredom. Or because they feel lonely, or empty and they think a partner will fix this. Well, not only it won’t, it might just amplify it and make it worse. Sometimes we maintain relationships from school or old friendships that are not serving us, and this is very common, as we grow, we heal, we mature, we elevate ourselves, which hopefully you are doing, and if you are here today is because you are and want to continue to grow, you will see that other people close to you are not in the same journey. And I’m sure some of your friends and relatives have grown with you or have been a strong element in your growth, maybe you have helped each other in the bad moments, but I’m sure you can think of people who you don’t have anything in common with anymore. Or negative people, who are stuck in unhealthy behaviours, you just know that spending time with them is not good for you, for whatever reason, sometimes you can’t figure out a why, you just know it.

7. Not setting boundaries. Most of the women I work with in my coaching practice find difficult to set boundaries – that can be a difficulty to say no to things you know are not in your highest interest, they might find difficult to take care of their needs, they always prioritise other people’s needs which very often results in frustration or burnout. Setting boundaries can be perceived as being selfish, but this is very far from the truth, setting healthy boundaries is helpful and necessary. Please note that I said healthy boundaries, which is very different from barriers or becoming too self-centred, there needs to be a balance. Normally, when there is a problem setting healthy boundaries, there is a subconscious belief operating which might say something like ‘your needs are not important’, ‘if you are not available for others they won’t love you’, ‘to be loved you have to keep everyone happy’, ‘it is not safe to express your needs’… you get the idea.

When we don’t set healthy boundaries in a relationship eventually this will lead to resentment, frustration, arguments, feeling of always giving too much or being taken advantage of, which is a recipe for disaster.

What to do instead? Setting boundaries is essential for your well-being. If you find it difficult to say no or to prioritise your needs, I would suggest that you assess your beliefs and ask yourself what happens when I say no to someone I love? What happens when I prioritise my needs? How do I feel about it? What beliefs about myself come to your awareness?

 

So let’s recap all the mistakes and this time I’m going to share a few questions for you to journal or reflect on.

What is my ‘favourite’ mistake?

How is it serving me?

What can I do instead?

1. Not asking openly and sincerely for what you need.
2. Try to have a conversation when strong emotions have taken over.
3. Blaming your partner for your unresolved issues/past experiences.
4. Expecting your partner to fix your problems.
5. Not appreciating what your partner gives you, taking them for granted.
6. Starting a relationship for the wrong reason.
7. Not setting boundaries.

 

OK my loves, another episode full of ideas, take your time to digest this and see how it lands. If you haven’t listened to the previous episode on how to have relationships full of love and joy go and find more useful tips and at some point I will be making an episode .

I’m going to be away for my honeymoon for a couple of weeks so I won’t be taking on any new 1:1 clients until I’m back but feel free to schedule your free clarity sessions in the link below for when I’m back in June.

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Sending love and light to you all!

Sending much love and light to you all, see you next week!

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Hi, I’m Verónica, a Mindset Coach, Energy Healer, Counsellor, Meditation Teacher & Founder of The Positive Mindset Tribe Podcast.

My specialty is helping women who feel stuck or unfulfilled to shift their mindset, clear their subconscious beliefs and heal the wounds of the past so they can manifest an abundant life full of joy, love and success, aligned with their Soul’s purpose.